April 24, 2012 – Seattle with Kaesen

United Airlines Flight 917 at 1620 – Tuesday

I am just chasing sunsets in these wonderful days of my life. I cannot remember another time I have looked ahead with such amazing anticipation as I do right now, today, knowing I will see my baby boy, Kaesen, within a matter of hours. These beautiful and long sunsets are suddenly within reach and my heart is overflowing with joy. My soul is singing right now. All the trials, the hardships, the suffering, the unbearable and hard to endure experiences are over – in an instant. I am so very thankful for the coming night, the coming days, and the rest of my life. I now know firsthand that chasing every golden sunset, while exciting and liberating, can also be taxing of the greatest kind. Some sunsets may be best viewed from home, although the chase itself is instructive and wrought with potential.

The plane I find myself on left Washington D.C. around 1700 and will land six hours or so later, around 2000 in Seattle. I look out across the vast expanse of our motherland below and begin to feel that familiarity, a calming sense of right, and that tugging heartbeat. I think often about just how far I have come in a year’s time. Living in America must hold new meaning for me no doubt. I certainly took for granted the rights and freedoms we Americans enjoy and I would like to believe that I will cherish and hold dear such in my new life returned. Returning “home” is a feeling like no other. Returning to freedom aside, it seems that my returning to more than infrequent mindlessness, to frivolous worry, and a host of other unwritten consternations can only undeniably banish from my everyday life. We will soon see.

Deep relief is within my grasp as each minute, each second even, ticks down toward reunion. Shadows of the recent past, however, also follow me as I traverse the world back to my boy. How long these shadows are cast ultimately depends on how much light behind them I allow to remain. The light is so very bright now. I know the solution is within me to discover, to emplace, and finally to execute. Today I know not how to dim such strong light, so these shadows of my past will remain and, hopefully, slowly dissipate with a little work. Tonight, those shadows will be gone long enough to cherish the breath of life I am given within my son’s eyes, his loving gaze upon me again, and his sweet and innocent words. With this I will focus only on him, on his wellbeing, and on the incredible opportunity I have been given again to be “dad” again. A year’s distance is bridged and that feels so very, very good.

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.