May 28, 2012 - Final Post II

Normandy Park, Washington (Seattle) at 1230

Kaesen and I drove approximately 1,800 miles beginning last Sunday morning from my Dad's house in Phoenix, Arizona, through Ventura, California, and stayed the first night at the beach. Monday we drove the Pacific Coast Highway north from Ventura all the way to Santa Cruz. The hotel on Monday night had a heated pool and hot tub - so we were stoked and all set! Tuesday morning we woke and drove from Santa Cruz to San Francisco (not a long drive at all) and found a hotel next to Pier 39 on the Embarcadero. We played all day Tuesday into the night, including swimming in another heated pool, and into the next morning. Wednesday we drove north from San Francisco through central California all the way to central Oregon. Wednesday night we stopped in Castle Rock, Oregon, along Interstate 5, at a hotel with another pool and hot tub, only these were indoors! Thursday morning we woke and drove to Centralia, Washington! Here we stayed at the Great Wold Lodge - one word: phenomenal! Thursday and Friday absolutely rocked and capped off the time together in May perfectly. Kaesen is an outstanding son, boy, and perfect carbon copy of his daddy.

Throughout my travels in the last 30+ days of being "home," I have found the most therapeutic healing for my stresses, stressors, and rough past year to be time with my beautiful little boy! Nothing says recovery better than love - and the love of my son and his of me - priceless therapy. Of course the knees and back are still in rough shape; the pain subsides when I soak them for extended periods. I am pushing on and moving on, so it will be good no matter what, friends. This week and next I have to make and complete several appointments relating to personal health. Kaesen needs to see a pediatric opthamologist soon.

I dropped Kaesen off in Montesano, Washington, at his mother's house on Friday afternoon. That was a hard moment for me. Knowing that my life before Afghanistan and during Afghanistan had changed dramatically did not really hit me until that moment. From now on, Kaesen will have two separate homes, two separate sets of lives - but we will do everything in our power to ensure they somehow blend together and become the best ever experience for our son. In about 30 minutes I will drive 45+ minutes to a halfway point between Seattle and Montesano to pick Kaesen up for a couple of weeks. This will be our first "splitting" of weeks and weekends from Seattle. Life is good and can only get better from here.

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 16, 2012 - Final Post I

Central Arizona around midnight - Wednesday

Kaesen was asleep beside me, that is until I decided to extricate myself from bed and head into another room to turn the lights on and broadcast a little. Weighing on my mind heavily these days are the thoughts of reintegrating into the private sector, leaving federal service and the US Army Corps of Engineers, and ultimately my very happiness and security and the same of such for my beautiful son.

Many of you may not realize it or remember it, but I deployed with the US Army Corps of Engineers (USACE) on 8 May 2011 (Mother's Day) last year. I had one week of training and spin-up at the USACE Deployment Center, or UDC, in Winchester, Virginia, and then I was off to the races. I arrived in Afghanistan on 15 May 2011 and at FOB Smart in Qalat on 17 May 2011. The reasons for deploying were originally very clear to me. One, serve my country again. Two, serve my USACE district in their need for volunteers (at the time I was the only volunteer; more have since deployed and returned). Finally, the third reason was to serve my family.

Starting a new chapter in the great book of my life is my plan. Well, for me it is as though I am starting an entirely new life. I lost 100 pounds in Afghanistan. I lost sanity, inner security, inner peace, and much other life-supporting and important goodness, but I did not lose "me" and I damn sure did not lose my son! My son is such a gift - he is an amazing boy and he loves ME! A little healthy balance is needed now - and we will get that balance back. Life for me is about to skyrocket.

I begin a new job with an old employer, Fulcrum, in Seattle next month. A new home, new office, new (to me) motorcycle, new city, new state, and all is about to appear new - new - new! My son is excited because I intentionally set it up for success and have related our upcoming life changes to him enthusiastically. I am going to Seattle for change, for growth, for success, and for happiness. I will have all of this and more - and so will my son. I believe that I am centered and secure inside with regard to my son and his opportunities ahead.

A few weeks ago I suggested that I would add a blog post to describe the certain experiences in personnel and reality of the danger we face in Afghanistan. I "can" - and maybe I will eventually, but for now, I feel like signing off. Not just for tonight, but for good. I know I have so much to share with regard to the negatives of my experience in Qalat, but I do not believe right now is the best time to hit on the low notes. Terror is amazing in that it instills so much within so many, yet we can and do react to such differently. An expose is not a bad idea, believe me - there is a lot to expose from my perspective, but what good would it do today? Placing people in jeopardy or potentially destroying careers is not my interest - ever. So trust me when I say, it was, at times, really horrible, unsafe, dirty, unhealthy, miserable, scary, terrifying at times, and downright amazing all at the same time.

I hope this war ends soon. We have lost so very many wonderful lives in this war. We have been there for such a very long time. Our lost brothers and sisters gave their lives because they volunteered to serve the greatest nation in the history of mankind. We should honor them by being truthful, being responsible, and having the courage now to say what we have suffered, sacrificed, and honored is enough. Period.

I love you, Kaesen. Some of you may know or not, but "143" is code for "I love you."

143, Kaesen. (I have said this on all regular blog posts from Day One last 8 May 2011)

Good night and good day. (I have said this on all regular blog posts from Day One last 8 May 2011)

May 15, 2012 - Phoenix with Kaesen

Central Arizona at 1730 - Tuesday

Kaesen slept in past 0600 today; I did too. Our routine is shaping into early days and early nights, or maybe it has been this way since I returned and picked him up in Seattle. Breakfast was Norwegians (crepes), cheddar cheese chunk-slices, and ham and provolone cheese sandwiches - with coffee and cold water. Simple yet delicious. After breakfast we waited an "obligatory" hour or more to swim. Kaesen watched the clock the entire time! So did I as a result.

Swimming commenced at 1000 and lasted about an hour. Kaesen, beginning yesterday, is swimming free of a life vest or other flotation device. This gives me so very much pride, as a father and a man, to watch a young boy, my son, go from not swimming to swimming in the blink of an eye! Later in the day we swam again, again sans life vest and now with a new swim mask. Seriously, I know this is cliche, but this kid can swim like the best of us and is fearless. He is only 4-1/2 years old! Anyway, we swam and had a great time today doing so.

This afternoon, after a delicious lunch of leftover feijoada, we went to the eye doctor for Kaesen. Since the exam could not be completed, he is a little too young and not completely ready, we were referred to a pediatric opthamologist. We will try this again in Seattle in a couple of week or more. So for now, all is well and good and his eyes are fine anyway... just a little advice is needed at this point.

This has been another good day of rest, recuperation, relaxing, reintegration, and rejuvenation. I hope for the same for you, too.

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 14, 2012 - Phoenix with Kaesen

Central Arizona at 1600 - Monday

Our day began around 0530 and has been nonstop ever since. I had my coffee of course and Kaesen his donut and milk. We showered, dressed, and readied ourselves for the day. Kaesen spoke with his momma and I prepared documentation for my first, of many, VA medical appointments. We left my dad's house around 1000 and headed for the VA in downtown Phoenix. Along the way Kaesen suggested that he was hungry - go figure, he does have a ferocious appetite at times. We stopped for oatmeal and a toy from McDonald's and all was right.

We arrived at the VA medical center close to 1100 and were seen relatively quickly an hour or less later. Two more quick appointments after that and we were on our way home for swimming. Kaesen, and I, decided today he'd swim sans life vest - and he did it! Wow, I mean he really did it and he listened to Dad. He has all the swim basics down and we'll work the remainder of the early summer until he starts YMCA swim lessons on learning to swim. He even flipped off the deep end side of the pool for over an hour, swam across the deep end, and swam nearly the length of the pool unassisted. We are so excited! He is amazed with himself as much as I am. I sent video to his momma so she could share in the fun, excitement, and pride.

Kaesen is excited for Goppie and Vovo to come home so he can show them live and in person his newly acquired swimming and flipping with no life vest skills. I would be stoked to display this too; I am sure I did the same in fact. What an amazing time it must be for Kaesen. It is exciting to learn at any age, but for a 4 year-old to suddenly start swimming unaided, well that's got to be high on a list of fun things that he accomplished today.

It might be a little on the late side of the afternoon to nap, so we are going to "relax" in the living room with a movie and a blanket and see how long we can keep our eyes open! What a great day and it is barely half over.

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 13, 2012 - Mother's Day - II

Central Arizona at 1830 - Sunday

Alright, Mother's Day and its usual requirements, for me, is fulfilled now. I just spoke with my momma, she returned my call and I called her back! Dallas was busy with activity and good news for the Panchalk family. Congratulations, Momma. We thought we would get together this July in Dallas; now it is looking more like August in Gulf Shores! We talked about my pending trip through California to Seattle; Momma had a great suggestion for a stop near San Francisco.

This day is still burning, although the pool water seems a little too chilly for Kaesen and I to jump back in for a swim. A warm bath might do the trick and we'd surely be warmer for it too. The high was over 100 today; I love the Desert Southwest for this and more. Summer has surely come in quickly here - likely in Afghanistan too.

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 13, 2012 - Mother's Day

Central Arizona at 1700 - Sunday

We woke early today - again. Kaesen was all sunshine and smiles, as usual, and we started with donuts, coffee, and good humor. I love waking up this way. The day has been grand, we called with my momma, and left her a message via voicemail. Kaesen spoke with his momma, too. We spent the day with Goppie and Vovo, half of his paternal grandparents, including swimming in the now-warm-enough pool and cooking feijoada. We ate about two hours ago - talk about delicious!

Mother's Day means, to me and to Kaesen, remembering how lucky we are to have our momma's. My momma has always been there for me. Kaesen's momma has been there always for him, too. What luck we have in this world to have such wonderful mothers, and fathers, and to be able to tell them how much they mean to us. Momma, I love you - Happy Mother's Day. Viviane, I love you - Happy Mother's Day. If Kaesen could type now, he would say, "Momma, Happy Mother's Day!"

The week behind us has been another one filled with family, friends, and love. We look forward to two more weeks of the same as we make our way, albeit slowly, to Seattle. Kaesen and I both have doctor appointments this week ahead. The remainder of this day will include relaxing, lounging, low-stress, and lots of hugs and kisses for Kaesen.

Again, Happy Mother's Day!

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 12, 2012 - Phoenix with Kaesen

Central Arizona at 1900 - Saturday

Kaesen and I had a wonderful day. We are having a relaxing, and warm, weekend!

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 11, 2012 - Phoenix with Kaesen

Central Arizona at 2300 - Friday

Kaesen and I returned to the Valley of the Sun. All is well and the weather is beautiful.

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 10, 2012 - Las Cruces with Kaesen

Southern New Mexico at 0530 - Thursday

Jill Summerlin, my brother Blake's beautiful wife, woke me up around 0500 this morning to allow me to give her and my nephew, Jonathan (Jonny), a proper goodbye. While New Mexico is one hour later right now than Arizona thanks to the magic of time zones, 0500 and 0600 both feel very similar to me - EARLY! Jill and Jonny left shortly before 0530 (0630) to head north-northeast to White Sands for work and school. I love being near family - and being here in Las Cruces offers family and that desert southwest environment I crave. It may be some time before I see this extension of my family again. Fortunately, their older son, Leyton, whom I recently visited with in Kandahar, Afghanistan, will be home - in Seattle, near Christmas!

We had another wonderful visit in New Mexico. I was able to find little relief for my lower back and knees - I guess two massages in one week does not cut it! I may need three or four massages a week moving forward. Using the hot tub daily has been a treat for both me and my son. Kaesen always enjoys it here because in addition to being around cousins and an aunt and an uncle, he has also historically been able to do many "fun things" while here. Parks, pools, hot tubs, shopping, amusement places, etc., shoot, I would love it for such too.

I plan to load Kaesen's truck here shortly to begin our road trip, albeit a short one, back through Tucson overnight and ultimately to Phoenix tomorrow morning. We will have dinner with my sister, Amy, in Tucson tonight. Tomorrow I have appointments and a meeting in the afternoon in Phoenix. Driving from Las Cruces to Tucson and Phoenix is a piece of cake for Kaesen now that he has his DVD player installed. Most of his young life he did not care for television or DVDs, but now he loves certain educational cartoon and movies. This is great for all!

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 9, 2012 - Las Cruces with Kaesen

Southern New Mexico at 0700 - Wednesday

Waking up without an alarm on-time is a result, for me, of many wake-ups with an alarm and conditioning the body to wake at regular intervals. I feel good when waking up naturally, although I know that by the end of this leave, I will once again need assistance with an alarm to get back into my work routine. I am thankful just for being here, so whatever, whenever, for as long as it takes is fine by me.

The hot tub at my brother's house heats up in about 30 minutes, so KT and I are eagerly awaiting this warm-up and will soon be soaking in blissfully hot water. My body needs such regularly now and he loves it for the fun factor. I hope a hot tub is never too far away down the road when I am settled and relocated to reality. Today is my reality and today we soak. KT has eaten a breakfast of fruits, a couple of donuts, and chocolate milk. Coffee for me so far is all I am interested in, but an egg and grits sounds really good later.

I asked KT what he wanted to do today last night. He suggested many worthwhile activities: bouncing at Bounce for Fun, a movie, more park playtime, more shopping (LOL), and more playing with toys around his aunt and uncle's house here in Las Cruces. All sounds fine; we'll see what turns up later. The weather is overcast and cooler here; it rained for the first time on 200 days yesterday afternoon and evening. It looks as though the same may be in store today, which I love - in the desert!

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 8, 2012 - Las Cruces with Kaesen

Southern New Mexico at 1400 - Tuesday

Kaesen and I just returned from a morning and afternoon of fun, it is an hour later here than Pacific Time, in El Paso, Texas, and Las Cruces, New Mexico. We started out with a short 25-mile drive east to El Paso to play at the Outlet Shoppes of El Paso. We had been there several times previously, with the last two times this past December and September during my two leaves from Afghanistan. We knew exactly where to go and what to do this time! We started out with breakfast sandwiches from Subway and obtained a roll of quarters for playing in all the amusement rides throughout the several breezeways at the mall. Kaesen had such a fun time with the different themed rides, as he did last time, but this time he rode nearly all of them. Later we played in the playground on the north side of the mall. Kaesen was nearly spent by the time we left and made our way back to Las Cruces.

We arrived back in New Mexico with Young Park and the four playgrounds, duck and fish lake, and green areas to run through. Again, Kaesen knew exactly where to go and what to do; we had been there several times before too during previous leave vacations! As school is still in session here in New Mexico, there were not very many families playing and we had the entire park nearly to ourselves. There were a few dads and children fishing; Kaesen again asked for a kid's fishing rod and wanted to see the catches of the day. The playgrounds these days are nothing like when I was a kid. Sure they have slides, monkey bars, and the like, but the play surfaces are cushioned recycled rubber or bark chips and the playgrounds are much larger and more interactive these days. Kaesen again played until he was spent... and hungry - for McDonald's.

Lunch was had at McDonald's; Kaesen had a Happy Meal and played again in their indoor playground. Daddy had a salad and coffee. This meal was slightly more healthy than usual fare when we eat there and tasty, too. Kaesen's toy in his Happy Meal is some sort of finger-based red laser gun; from a recent spy movie I think. Whatever it really is, he loves it of course, as with any and all toys cheap or expensive that are brand new and right now. What a joy being a child, of any age for this matter, is and without a care or concern for work or adult responsibilities. What a life!

Our time is coming to an end here in Las Cruces. We are likely leaving on Thursday to return to Phoenix, though with another overnight in Tucson as I need to pick-up my motorcycle. Next week is full of medical appointments for me - knees, back, headaches, etc., etc., as well as a few others requirements to follow through on while in Arizona. Life is good, pain and all, with my little boy by my side.

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 7, 2012 - Las Cruces with Kaesen

Southern New Mexico at 2359 - Monday

Late night on Monday and all feels right in my little world. Kaesen is asleep, as have I been, and tired in a good way. Good because we shared another wonderful day together, as of course we should in any situation. It feels very normal and secure for the both of us to have fallen back into our routines as father and son. This is what I waited so long for - this feeling of being whole and as right as rain inside. Kaesen needs his daddy to be there - and I am now and forever. Oh well, I am a mushy dad at times and it is all good in the neighborhood.

Kaesen enjoyed watching "Chimpanzee" today with me at the Mesilla Valley Mall, as well as bouncing on the fun air toys at Bounce for Fun and eating French toast sticks at Village Inn. Dinner was from Buffalo Wild Wings. The hot tub felt good on my aching body this morning and again earlier tonight. Hot tubs are a must-have in my future. Kaesen enjoys living to the fullest. He seems to be quite content doing the activities like today's, so tomorrow and beyond, as have all our days so far, will hold similarly-planned stop and go's and other interesting places along our way.

The time to wrap this blog up is coming quickly. A good ending point might be now, although a better ending point could be when my time comes to an end with the reintegration leave and sick leave come to an end - as they relate to this yearlong deployment to Afghanistan. We'll see how I "feel" in the coming few days. Another blog is taking shape in my mind - one less regularly recurring than this one. Good things are afoot, no doubt.

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 6, 2012 - Las Cruces with Kaesen

Southern New Mexico at 2000 - Sunday

Evening has befallen us here in this beautiful desert. Blake, Jill, Jonny, Kaesen, and I have just returned from watching The Avengers at the movie theater. Good movie, if you are into superheroes, and we all are! Kaesen fell asleep halfway through, but he was awake long enough to enjoy wearing his 3D glasses and see some cool special effects.

Our day started fine; Jill made Norwegians, Kaesen did not eat them and I gobbled them up! We then soaked for quite a good while in the hot tub. I had an 1100 Massage Envy 90-minute massage today. Oh goodness! It was divine. Having two massages in less than five days - well that is just priceless. I am going again in a few days. This massage thing really relaxes, refits, and rekindles. I wish that I could get two hours a day... Oh well, once a month moving forward from here will suffice.

After the massage, Kaesen, et al. soaked and swam in the hot tub and pool. Kaesen and I later left for two parks, more shopping, and then met BJ&J for dinner and the movie. I'd say it was an outstanding day. Tomorrow has more parks and fun in the sunshine in store for me and my boy. I am trying to get into the local VA for several evaluations. I am thinking that long-term therapeutic massage for my knees, back, and my inner well-being in lieu of more drastic measures may serve me well. Other than that, these next few days will be blissful if nothing else. I need blissful in my life - all things considered.

I just put my sweet son down for the night; talk about tired - he is and sleep has already rescued him. The hot tub is calling me - and my back - again! So is a nice, wet, and slightly broken Scotch. Sweet days and dreams, for me these days and nights certainly are all that, y'all.

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 5, 2012 - Las Cruces with Kaesen

Southern New Mexico at 0700 - Saturday

Kaesen and I rose over an hour ago. He is such a sweet boy, but especially in the wee hours I find his love and connection to his parents the most divine. The smile across his face says it all and more. His melodious words in the morning, cracked by a parched throat and a night's sleep to shake off, mean so much to me as they covey light and truth... and hope for a glorious day ahead. My son's words this morning were no doubt happy and brought smiles to my face as we opened our eyes. Breakfast today has already included cereal for him and leftovers for me.

We are heating the hot tub for a morning dip before we set out on this wonderful weekend day. This early afternoon we will travel to White Sands with my brother and his family for a BBQ. Who knows what is in store thereafter, but knowing Kaesen it will include swimming and soaking in Blake's pool and hot tub more. This is perfect for my aching body - and soul! Relaxation takes precedence and priority after Kaesen's needs and most of his wants are met or fulfilled.

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 4, 2012 - Las Cruces with Kaesen

Southern New Mexico at 1300 - Friday

I woke early with Kaesen this morning and quickly readied myself and Kaesen to leave. Kaesen enjoyed Jenna Wilson's homemade waffles for breakfast. We traveled from Tucson to Las Cruces today. Kaesen watched a few movies in the backseat while I drive "his" truck. These longer drives are enjoyable for the two of us - we spy lots and lots of cool vehicles on the roads, semis, landscapes, etc.

At 1300 we are finally here. My body is surly sore, more so now than in the previous days since my return, even with the massages I have already had, and is ready for recuperation. Despite this, as expected, I am of course loving my son-daddy time with Kaesen.

Blake Summerlin, his wife, Jill, and their son, Jonny, welcomed us into their home again here in Las Cruces. Tonight we'll dine on Si Senors and Texas Roadhouse restaurants for dinner takeout. Their hot tub is being heated as I write this and Kaesen is chomping at the bits to get into their pool. Much love, y'all - much love!

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 3, 2012 - Tucson with Kaesen

Southern Arizona at 1420 - Thursday

Kaesen and I enjoyed dinner last night in Tucson with the Wilsons. Kaesen certainly enjoyed the swimming with Laytin, Bram, and Lena Wilson yesterday. One of my goals while spending time with my son, recovering in  my own way, is to ensure he is happy throughout our vacation time together. He has been so happy since I picked him up over a week ago in Seattle. It means so much to see his smile never fade, never crinkle, and to always be backed up with giggles and sometimes roaring laughter.

Tomorrow I need to see about my required VA appointments; Phoenix was busy the last few days, so maybe here, or even Las Cruces - but for certain Phoenix and Seattle. A year's worth of damage to my body has culminated and finally the soreness is nearly unbearable. It is a good thing I have the power and might and the federal government behind me, supporting me, and ensuring I am safe and sound.

Jill Summerlin, my nephew's mother, sent the following link regarding a PAO interview Leyton and I sat for a couple of weeks ago in Kandahar Airfield within the USACE compound. Enjoy!

http://www.lcsun-news.com/las_cruces-community/ci_20537858/las_cruces-financial

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 2, 2012 - Phoenix with Kaesen

Central Arizona at 1000 - Wednesday

Kaesen woke up again super-early this morning! This means I also woke up early. It was well before 0600 and we rose with excitement and great appreciation for the day. I also rose with a glad heart knowing I would much rather be awake and interacting with him than asleep, although asleep next to him is awesome in its own right! Coffee was had by Daddy and even a bowl of Lucky Charms. Kaesen waited until later...

Later came in the form of Starbucks Birthday Cake Pops and chocolate milk. We went to Super Target, which has a Starbucks, and shopped for flip-flops and a toy bike. Mission accomplished and KT ate his favorite donut treats for breakfast. His eyes light up for many things throughout each day; I love them when they are looking at the prospect of delectable treats and interesting surprises. Life is good, people.

In a few hours we will leave Phoenix and head south for Tucson. We will stay there for two nights and enjoy the company of my sister, Amy, my best friend, Billy, and his family and extended family, and two more of my best friends, Tim and Elaine Courneen. Friday morning we will wake and bake another road trip under our truck tires east-southeast to Las Cruces. It is all good!

Throughout this entire trip, I am also visiting with doctors and specialists to have my damaged knees, lower back, headaches, tinnitus, and other Afghanistan-related ailments treated or further documented for future security. Taxing emotionally and psychologically, a war deployment can, and does for so many include minimal to maximum physical strain. I am so fortunate to be home and with all of myself connected. It needs confirming that many do not come home - or when they do, they come home broken in far worse ways. I am so appreciative of our men and women, civilian and military, who deploy.

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.

May 1, 2012 - Phoenix with Kaesen

Central Arizona at 0700 - Tuesday

Kaesen and I awoke at 0600. Actually, KT may have woken up slightly before me, because now I remember him crawling on me and wishing me a good morning, kissing me, and whispering to me that "maybe we should get up!" What a wonderful way to greet today - any day for that matter. We rose, freshened up, and had Lucky Charms for breakfast. Coffee is in the pot and in my cup now. It looks like today will be a Phoenix Zoo day for the two of us - plus more errands before or after.

I have been slowly adjusting to the Pacific-Arizona Time Zones I find myself living in again now. Sleep comes early and waking does too, but all-in-all I feel mostly adjusted and back on "home time" having been in the United States for over a week now. FOB Smart seems to be fading a bit and the reality of not returning has not quite settled within me completely yet. Right now, these moments of my life, feels so very wonderful.

Below are a few photographs taken recently. Kaesen is such a beautiful little boy. The first four are with Goppie and Vovo Summerlin. Enjoy.

143, Kaesen.

Good night and good day.